There are many moments where I wonder what I’m doing here. The path to getting here has been pretty astounding, never realizing that I was making an adolescent dream/fantasy a reality. Having achieved part of the dream, I now see that it’s not a fantasy and it’s not ideal. Living in Paris, away from a place that became too “ordinary”, creates endless internal conflict for me. This is home and my life.

Yet I have a second life in Philadelphia, one that feels so unreachable and removed. I feel fragmented and often find myself questioning my decisions. If it weren’t for the horrible and emotionally uprooting experiences I had before coming, I may not have ended up here. I know that. Had I not come to study in 2006 in Paris and attended the party in my dorm where my husband was, I would have gone back to my comfortable life, finished my undergrad at Temple and ended up…. and this is the big question mark. I can’t even begin to imagine what I would be doing right now. Maybe something far from impressive or fulfilling. Maybe something that pays well or something that moved me to another state, also far from family. Regardless, I can’t imagine what I’d be doing. Everything I’ve been through, good and bad, has led me here. Apparently, this is what I wanted. But it hasn’t turned out like a envisioned. In fact, I am hyper aware of the drawbacks, flaws, inconveniences, challenges, impracticalities and nuances of life here to the point where the innocent fantasy of living in Paris, with its breathtaking sites and architecture, succulent cuisine and melodic language, has fallen flat. Ok, maybe not flat (the marvels are endless) but the bubble has definitely been popped.

Expats I’ve met who have lived in Paris (or elsewhere in France) for years have expressed a similar type of love-hate relationship. Some years the sacrifices are worth it, some years the U.S. appears to just be getting more and more appealing. I think this is the nature of being an expat but that doesn’t change the fact that sacrifices ARE made in moving life to another country, another culture, another government, another mentality, and the reality of it is often very difficult to accept. Yes, I’m accountable for my own decisions, yes I’m in control but there are moments (which I’m experiencing more frequently) where this path feels chosen for me, in my cards. It’s a struggle everyday to figure out how to accept the luxuries (family, friends… customer service) that I no longer have at arm’s reach and where this life here is taking me.

Despite all of this inner strife and searching for belonging, so to speak, I have met some of the most fascinating and inspiring people, most of whom I never would have met had I stayed put in Fort Washington. People with inspiring stories, pasts, aspirations and an openness that feels like home, whatever home means. These are people who have shown me incredible kindness and warmth, given me advice and love and taught me invaluable lessons. Some are friends, some are acquaintances, some are meant for networking but all have made Paris worth it for me. I am constantly amazed by the diversity and breadth of their (our) experiences and how meeting one person can lead to a change in life, be it subtle or striking, in habits, perspectives, or beliefs. I search for the right words to express how much I’ve learned about myself and life since I’ve been here, but this is all I’ve come up with. What’s important is that I acknowledge it and am grateful for it.