1) An adult female
2) A female servant or subordinate
3) a. A wife b. A female lover or sweetheart
Although there are still some disconcerting associations in the above definition, I’m pleased to see that a woman is not defined by her congenital and biblical ‘role’ of procreation. Whether it is part of the above definition or not, the connection between a woman and motherhood is deeply ingrained in most cultures and any diversion from this social condition is looked upon with scorn and shock. The subject of women who choose not to have children, not for any physical impairment but simply as a lifestyle choice, still remains taboo even in 2010. In fact, 10% of women decide not to have children, a figure that is still relatively hard to quantify because of the sensitivity of the issue.* Childless women are demonized and treated as female aberrations, constantly having to defend themselves against the majority. Childless men, however, are another story.
For some it’s a lack of so-called ‘maternal instinct’, for others it’s a question of finances or not wanting to disrupt their relationship with their partner. But for many, it’s more complicated than that. Regardless of the reasons, justified or admittedly selfish, both men and women react perplexed, stunned, and almost horrified to learn that a woman would willingly reject motherhood. They immediately become outsiders.
I first mentioned publicly that I didn’t want to have kids when I was interviewed for the No Country for Young Women project and have felt this way for a long time. It’s not about disliking children at all. There are extremely personal reasons for such a decision, which I’m not going to share, and others that are shared by many women. My husband, along with everyone else that knows about my future plans, is convinced I will change my mind, that biology will kick-in and I will be left without choice in the matter. “You’re so young… “, “Doesn’t your husband want kids? Don’t you care about what he wants?”
It’s not selfish to want freedom. It IS selfish**, however, to have children knowing that you don’t really want them, don’t want to be responsible for them and don’t think you can adequately teach them, love them, or provide for them. Of course, if I found myself taking on the role of a mother because of an unplanned pregnancy, I would of course rise to the challenge and ensure their education, safety and health. But this isn’t what I want for my life.
Is it more commendable to start a family because it seems like the logical next step, a concept indoctrinated into society? Why is it wrong to foresee myself feeling satisfied and complete without children?
Even when the reasons are anything but altruistic (for revenge, to follow social norms, to carry on a family name, etc.), no one really questions why people choose to become parents and start a family. I have a number of friends who feel similarly and whose thoughts on the matter are worth sharing. It’s time that we are accepted and not vilified for our choices.
Stay tuned for Part II of the Just Saying NO to Children series….
*Emilie Devienne, “Pourquoi je ne veux pas d’enfant”: quoted in Biba magazine December, 2009.
** This blog post really burned me up. Despite the heavy religious tone, the sheer ignorance of this anti-feminist (and I’m not saying I’m a feminist) made me cringe.
Photo
