I think there is a serious disconnect in my brain. I put pressure on myself to compete with people who seemingly have their “stuff” together (in life). I wish I could take characteristics of each of my friends and form a perfect Lindsey. Ok, not perfect but a more functional, successful Lindsey. I don’t know what I expected when I left the US…. maybe I didn’t have a set plan but I knew it involved a man. I know I’m not the first woman in the history of the world to be driven to alter her life for the love of a country and a man. Maybe that is enough for some women – they fall in love, they leave their home and their families and they start a new life with a foreigner and feel fulfilled. But the perfectionist and worrier in me makes it extremely difficult to reach a point of self-acceptance and happiness in this scenario.

Sometimes I manage to make it the whole day feeling positive and happy and the next I barely make it through breakfast. Maybe this is one of those soul-searching cliché periods in my life that I just need to tough out and I’ll laugh about it later. Or maybe it’s not. I try to focus on the little things in my day that fill me with joy: seeing Cali look cute in her little basket, cooking with Ced, brunch with girlfriends, biting into an amazing sandwhich that isn’t saturated in mayonnaise or butter (wow!), meeting my treadmill objective and feeling great and sweaty, hearing that someone like’s my writing or my ideas, walking by the Seine and thinking to myself I should be happy with this environment…. etc. But sometimes the fears, anxieties and downsides to this life trump the good. It seems to be characteristic of today’s society, however, to feel distressed and bored. I wouldn’t say I’m bored but I often feel the pressures to be successful, to be doing something “meaningful”, whatever that means, and I too often let it get the best of me creating a feeling of consistent distress. Sure, feeling distressed sometimes is normal. But are other people my age feeling this kind of existential crisis?

I’m quite curious to know what success means to each of you, as it is very subjective. What elements make up sucess for you? (Feel free to post your response in the comment section):

1) Career
2) Spouse
3) Family
4) Friends
5) Money
6) Talents/passions
7) OTHER

Despite how much it enrages me, it feels like the fact that I changed my life, adapted to life in France (a lifelong project of adaptation, mind you), married a Frenchman (no easy feat!), adopted a cat, became bilingual (also lifelong project) and bought an apartment with said Frenchman is overshadowed by the fact that what I’m doing for the moment is not indicative of all of my studies. But should it really matter? Shouldn’t it be enough to have a job, the husband, the cat, the apartment and leave it at that?

I have always been a firm believer that money won’t guarantee any level of self-fulfillment but I’m starting to think otherwise. Some of the projects I have in my head would be greatly facilitated by …. oh…… a few hundred thousand euros (or by a mega-wealthy sugar daddy but I don’t think Frenchie would approve. Just kidding). I admire the writers, chefs and other wandering expats who end up in France and find true happiness, even amongst the monstrous bureaucracy and endless paperwork, and I’m hoping with every ounce of my being that I achieve what they have.

I apologize for my stream-of-consciousness heavy post and I’ll end up with a couple positive images that make me proud of my day:

The Herbed Ricotta Tart (David Lebovitz’s recipe)
Proud of this! Made the crust too!

Cali sleeping on Ced’s amp. I could stare at her all day…..
Hopefully each day will start to bring new reasons to feel….. whole.